Irritation and Weaknesses

While in college, a lot of things changed... me being one of those. Some changes for the better, but I think some not so much. Before going to college, I was very reserved and would never "let my hair down" as some would say. I also kept all of my feelings inside. I still tend to keep most of my feeling inside, but as I travelled through my college years, some of those things changed. I became less reserved and can now "let my hair down" at times. I'll never be completely outgoing, but I think I have learned to not always hold myself back. Sometimes it's a good thing to be that lead in the lip-syncing number my group is doing, or to get out of my comfort zone and be a worship leader. In order to find who we really are in God, we have to get out of our boats like Peter did when he walked on the water with Jesus.

Along with becoming a little more outgoing, I also became a little more vocally opinionated. I've always been somewhat opinionated, but mostly kept my opinions to myself. However, by participating in group projects, I learned that being opinionated isn't always a bad thing, and that if I want to be heard, I've got to speak up.

All that being said, there is one change that I don't like. That is my habit of getting very frustrated and irritated with others around me, specifically with those who have hurt me in the past or who don't seem to own up to responsibility. I try to see things from the other person's perspective, but I just don't always understand how or why some people do what they do. I frustrate myself by getting so frustrated. And I think that sometimes I try to justify my frustration and irritation by telling myself that they hurt me in the past or that I really have no idea why our relationship changed, but there really is no excuse for it.

As far as getting frustrated with people who seem to have no sense of responsibility comes from working on those group projects that also taught me to be a little more out-spoken. I do not think I have any good memories from group projects, because I was always that "10% who does 90% of the work." And it wasn't even so much that I did most of the work, but the fact that everyone else either didn't have time, didn't view grades as importantly as I did, thus not caring, or simply didn't know how to do their part by themselves. I am not saying that is a good excuse to get frustrated, but instead of seeing good out of these projects, I feel like it just magnified for me how lazy our society and my generation can be. I found that people wouldn't even go out of their way to pick up something from another group member who also lived on campus. I felt like everything was an inconvenience. But instead of focusing on that, I should be focusing on that one person who did go the extra mile to help me out there at the end and who was willing to do whatever I needed to help me finish that 90% of the work.

Now for my irritation with those who have hurt me... I'm sure you have all heard the saying, "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me." While that is true, I have to try to constantly remind myself in the difference between forgiving and forgetting and what those two look like. Say a person hurts you once, so you kind of build a wall, but slowly you are able to tear down that wall, only to be crushed once again. After that, you can guarantee that there is an even bigger wall than before...and you never want to start tearing that wall back down. However, say you want to still keep the friendship... How in the world do you do that? I feel like when this happens, everything seems to be personal, whether it's meant that way or not. This is where the irritation comes in... everything that comes out I am able to twist around to be some sort of dig at me, which then makes me very frustrated at the person. I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells trying not to reveal very much so that I can keep that wall up, but also trying to engage in conversation and be at least cordial.

That's just a little rant of mine that shows me that I certainly have a lot of growing to do...  Leave comments if you struggle with the same thing or maybe have been there and have some advice. I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Merry Christmas!